The Bipolar Entrepreneur

DECEMBER 2, 2017

 

I’ve been feeling really sorry for myself lately. Being an entrepreneur is hard. Being Bipolar is hard. Being both is just stupid.

So I’ve been throwing several pity parties. Nightly bouts of crying and whining about how much my life sucks and how no one else’s life sucks as much as mine. Some would call it “Bitching,” but I prefer “creative complaining.”

You see, being Bipolar means life has severe ups and downs. Being an entrepreneur means waking up every morning questioning every decision you’ve ever made. Just kidding, being an entrepreneur means overcoming challenges and remaining confident in the face of instability.

Ahh, instability. My favorite foe. My frienemy. My Jim Halpert to my Dwight Schrute.

On one hand, by little Bipolar brain is all about instability. The waves feel familiar. When I’m up and business is going well, it’s EXCITING AND INVIGORATING AND OMG THERE ARE SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES WHAT WILL COME NEXT WHAT IS BEHIND THAT DOOR WHAT AM I DOING SORRY I’M YELLING. And when I’m down and my business is tanking, it’s exhausting….overwhelming…discouraging… scary…and icky.

I match my environment. I feel the depressive feelings when things are depressive and happy feelings when things are happy. Granted, it’s a bit extreme, but the ups and downs of entrepreneurship fit my personality like a glove.

On the other hand, my darling manic-depressive demeanor despises instability. It’s desperately searching for equilibrium and my fluctuating business will not allow for such things. I get momentarily reprieves for about a day or so when things seem like they may be ok, but then something is on fire and I’m on fire and everyone is on fire and this actually hell oh lord save me.

So how do I handle it?

  1. I don’t.

What a list, wow, so much advice.

Here’s the point. I don’t handle it. I can’t handle it. Instead, I have to create space for it. I throw down anchors for when a wave is about to crash. I grit my teeth knowing the eventual smooth waters will seem just as endless as the current storm. I hold on to what I know to be true.

 

“I throw down anchors for when a wave is about to crash.”

I am an adventurous spirit intended for rough waters. I can see the shore but I choose to sail away. All of this is my choice. Pursuing a risky career and acknowledging my Bipolar is my choice.

I could very easily ignore the call of the wild and box up my mental health problems. It would be easy and it would make sense. And you know what? It would also be easier to explain. It would be easier to talk about.

So yes, I feel sorry for myself. And yes, I admire my choices and my strength. So yes, I’m throwing pity parties, because you know what? Parties are fun. And if I’m going to deal with all this crap, then I might as well enjoy myself.

I Am Not a Good Person

I Am Not a Good Person Early in 2017, I invited a person into my life. I really want to do right by this person; provide them with love and understanding. I genuinely believed I was doing the right thing. I was a good person after all. It didn’t take long for this...

All the Reasons My Husband Didn’t Marry Me

All the Reasons My Husband Didn't Marry Me I know, I know. The headline makes little to no sense. But let me explain. This morning, husband and I had a bit of a spat. E.g. he was mad over something I thought was dumb, and I was trying not to laugh, while he was kindly...

Coping with a Covert Narcissist

Coping with a Covert Narcissist It didn't start how I expected. It started with good intentions, as most things do. It started with patience and understanding. At least on my end. I extended and extended until I could extend no more.  I felt defeated and dumb and...

Subject: We keep running into each other

18, 25 Subject: We keep running into each other I hope it’s ok that I’m emailing you. It seems like I keeprunning into you and I feel like it’s time I say something. I know you want your space, and I get that, but I have to get this off my chest. Sarah, I am so sorry...

2016: The Year of Being Good at Being Bad

2016: The Year of Being Good at Being Bad 2016, by all accounts, hasn’t been a great year for me. Not to sound ungrateful, but I for real screwed a lot of things up this year. I was really bad. Here are some things I'm bad at: *Deep inhale* I’m bad at self-discipline....

Fighting with an Empath

Fighting with an Empath There is a recent fascination with labeling people as empaths. There are all these lists like "20 ways to love an empath," or "10 reasons you should marry an empath." I'm sure you've read seen them floating around. And not to knock them,...

Just Be Sick

I was scrolling through insta the other day and was bombarded with encouraging messages. Which, I'm sure for normal people, is an awesome thing. I'm sure it gets them pumped up and stoked to tackle the day. I assume they become super charged with each sparkly graphic...

The dark days

Climb a mountain to only move a inch. Claw, scrape, dig fingernails in dark, dark, dark dirt. Falling. Failing. Slipping. Once as easy as a wish, moves slow, viscous like honey, but not sweet. Bitter and familiar, this battle. Aching, aching, aching, climbing,...

Three Days Crazy: Day 2

This is part 3 of the Three Days Crazy series.  I waited by the breakfast cart while the nice african man called names. My eyes scanned the room, analyzing my options for seating. The inmates were still grouped off at a table, they seemed to be acquainted from...

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Copyright © 2016 Sarah Jo Crawford. All rights reserved.

Share This