Because my husband and I are masochists, we bought a house, got married, renovated said house, I quit my job, and he started a whole new one, all within a few months.

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And while we were prepared for the halt in income flow from my side of town, it didn’t change the fact that it hurt like a son of a bitch.

I’ve always been Ms. Independent. I’ve had a job since I was 15. I very rarely asked my parents for anything. I was on my own financially at 17. And the general consensus was that I DON’T NEED NO MAN.

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While traditionally employed, this is what I felt like.

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Granted, I never really spent much money on myself, I LOVED being able to drop bills on my friends and family. Oh, you need this thing? Here’s TWELVE OF THOSE THINGS.

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But last week, I overdrew on my bank account because I was out of money. It was like a punch in my pride-gut. I walked in the front door with my head down, shoulders slumped, my eyes watering. I faced my husband and whimpered, “I’m out of money.”He was like ok? I’ll give you some? He seemed pretty confused by the whole act. In his head, money was money and I needed it to exist. In my head, it was HIS money, not mine therefore I couldn’t spend it on myself. Which is awkward, because we had agreed on sharing finances. Well, it was a lot easier to do that when I was contributing.

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But now I am financially dependent on my husband. And I feel so much shame. He goes to work all day, sometimes weekends, and I’m kickin’ it at home with the dogs. It doesn’t seem fair.

But in reality, it isn’t fair. Marriage isn’t fair. And we both signed onto the whole “In sickness and in health, richer or poorer” thing. Which means, when we decided I was going to start working for myself, he agreed to carry most of the financial burden.

And honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this blog. Just that I feel guilty and the whole situation is weird. This is my attempt to process and reconcile the whole ordeal. I have learned marriage isn’t fair. But I haven’t learned how to spend money without asking my husband permission for everything. IS it ok if I go grab something to make for dinner? Yes. The answer is always yes.

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I’m going to be getting more than I give. And I hope I get the chance to give back soon.

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Happy Monday friends.

Sarah C.

 

 

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